It’s been a while since I posted something. I’ve been busy preparing for the bar exam and being kind to myself.
I went straight to studying after I helped sort out things here at home. Just in case you’re wondering, we recently had the house renovated. It was a messy 4 months because we didn’t move while the works were being done. I was literally surviving with one pair of pajamas and 5 outfits (both pambahay and panlabas, mind you). Now that it’s done, I feel like my mom and dad can finally see the fruits of their hard work!
So anyway, going back to my bar exam preps. This time, I know that I really have to mentally prepare myself. I was way over my head last year. The first Sunday, I just found myself blank and not able to write anything cohesive down. Now, I know that the bar exam is not just about reviewing concepts I learned from law school, but really getting into the proper head space in order to answer. It’s more like, dig deep, write well. I’m not very good in written exams, so my stubborn refusal to answer bar exam questions while reviewing didn’t do me any good. I completely blanked out and wasn’t able to spot issues properly, or dig deep for enumerations.
Forgive me if my thoughts are just pouring out unorganized, but I really just need to get all this out before my next subject.
So anyway, I think I’m in a better place than last year. For one, I have been smoke free for 23 days now! I promised myself to quit smoking last year, as a form of self-preservation and sacrifice, but I really wasn’t being disciplined. I gave in to way too many temptations; smoking being one of the more benign ones, imo.
I also finally paid my gynecologist a visit. I confirmed my suspicions about having PCOS. I actually felt relieved that I finally know that the bad breakouts along my jawline, unwanted hairs on my chin, and my inability to lose weight, are all connected to having PCOS. I think this was all triggered by law school and my dark 2015. Call me crazy, but I felt it creeping in. The stress of law school, the self doubts from ghosters…it all was just too much. I think my body gave in. I was also being very bold about gaining weight back then. I was trying to prove to my brother that I can lose weight just as easily as I gain it. Well, look where it got me.
From smoking, drinking, staying up late, procrastinating, lack of self respect, letting go of God, low self esteem, everything just filled me up and my body went haywire. And because I slowly let go of myself, I became more and more dependent on men who don’t value me.
Going to the gynecologist and getting tested for PCOS was like finally turning around and confronting myself again. For the first time in years, I am doing things for myself again. No more bad habits, no more compromises for people who won’t stay. Slowly but surely, I am learning more about myself and how to love it back.
I need to do this so I can learn to give love. I don’t think I’ve ever really fallen in love, or have known the meaning of it. I just know that right now, I have to learn more about myself, the whys, the hows, and everything in between. I have to be selfish to be selfless. Only then will I be able to love.
The bar exam preps is incredibly lonely. It’s days and days of reading. If you think you have discipline and self-motivation, you should try preparing for the bar exams. Before law school, it was so easy for me to say no to nights out, to turn down shopping with my family, and stuff like that. But when I went to law school, it’s like I kept (and still keep) finding ways to procrastinate. Hah, like what I’m doing now. But this is therapeutic for me. I digress. I knew I had to read, I knew I had to exercise, but I just said no to myself and yes to everyone. I know that now.
I was answering my mock bar exam this evening but it was the worse “there” I felt in a long time. These past few days, I was reading but my mind kept floating elsewhere. It was so bad. I think I keep having anxiety attacks. I haven’t been able to think straight or focus on what I’m doing. I have been consumed by this fear of not passing the bar, being unemployed, being broke, being fat, being ugly…just…everything. One moment I’m here, the next moment I’m just “there”.
Now that all that’s been bothering me are out, time to sleep. I have to submit my mock bar exam tomorrow morning, attend mass, and clean up my room. By the way, I paid for my own review classes! Man, I miss being a strong independent woman with a job.
By the way, I chose to celebrate my birthday this year! I’m inviting a few friends over and my sister and her family so it’s not going to be a lonely 27th. It’s also sort of a housewarming too, since we’re finally done unboxing all the furniture my parents binge-shopped for when I was out last year studying for the bar exam (yep, I kept talking my dad out of that darn expensive furniture but oh well, he worked hard for his money so okay).
I’ll transfer to my phone so I can upload the before and after of my room. I actually drew and designed my own closet!
Okay. Sleep now or something.