“We stumble to understand our fall.”
I was right in thinking that reliving the past would do me good. That getting lost was a good way to find myself again.
I went back to Ateneo for the first time today. After an awesome Wanderland Fest, I watched new found friends play Flag Football. Never really a fan of outdoor games because I was raised to despise everything that involved getting toasted under the sun, but hey, never too late to do something new. It was actually my first time to drive inside the campus. Who would have known that after a year, I’d drive to Ateneo on a Sunday not to go back to the dorm with my groceries and freshly-laundered clothes, but to visit friends and watch them play on the field. And who would have known that all it takes for me to try out a new sport are nice, chill friends. Well I’m really thankful that Boracay happened just when I had so much baggage both in my mind and heart. Not to mention relentless self-doubting. If I was the confident hunter I was, maybe everything would have ended right then and there. Maybe I would have acted on impulse and just did whatever my body told me to do. But self-doubt and low self-esteem don’t work like that with me.
So anyway, it was all so surreal. driving to Moro instead of walking, wearing a boho skirt instead of my usual loose shirt-cycling shorts-slippers combo, and going there to watch people sweat while I look on. Same campus that I love, different shit. It’s…nice.
I feel human again after being so free. Never mind that I lost my whole bag with my sun phone again. What matters is I had fun, spent a day going through some of my favorite spots at Katipunan, and hung out with new friends. I feel happier now. Just a little more and I think I can accept things as how they are now, instead of getting stuck in the past. I have to accept that I failed Ateneo Law, and I’m at San Beda Alabang. Everything about it is different from the Ateneo ways I got so used to and loved, but it’s okay. That won’t stop me from keeping my connections alive, and meeting new friends. Law school is too small, and I can’t afford any more awkward relationships with people there. It’s time to branch out.
And I really am not ready to get attached again. I’ll have to find myself and rediscover the things I love before I go through that again. I have this automatic-TLC-switch that goes on when people need to be taken care of. I should learn to turn that off so I don’t get too attached as well.
At least I’m feeling more human, less luggage for all my baggage.