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I could make this post all bitter and unbearable to read but, I’ve been writing manually. That, I think, is a more effective way to let some steam off. And judging by the fact that I’ve been rethinking my relationship decisions since I got cheated on, I think I’m temporarily unable to go through that crying-why-did-you-have-to-leave-me phase.

I need to find myself again.

I’ve been in back-to-back relationships since 2009. One particularly cruel move was to have a new boyfriend even before I officially ended up things with the other one. I’m a mess. And a cheater too, might I add. Well, what’s done is done and karma’s all up my ass right now. So no need to silently curse me in your seat. All those decisions were shitty, and so was my perception in life. It was all about having an arm candy in events. What’s a cheerleader without a boyfriend anyway, right? Although I basically don’t fit most cheerleader stereotypes, my taste in relationships fit that particular stereotype to a T.

I wasn’t always like this. Wait, no, I have always been like this. I need to take a break from everything and just focus on my career and who I really am. One particular Boracay trip put things into perspective. I realized how much I love meeting new people. I love being alone too. I love doing things in my own time, instead of compromising for someone else. Maybe that’s why I haven’t really excelled in law school. Or in my last year in Ateneo. According to my standards, that is. In 4th year college, I had a boyfriend who spent the whole day with me in school…although he didn’t actually study there. I even had to secure him a fake ID so he could hang out at Matteo while I go to class. He did that up until a few months in my first year in law school. And somewhere along those dark months, he also proposed to me in a shabby fastfood restaurant.

Then came this other one. I don’t really know why I did the whole thing again, when I specifically remember telling myself that I want to be a career woman, unattached and ready to welcome my adventurous side. Maybe it’s the eagerness to get out of my ex’s tightly-tied leash on me, or the eagerness of having another arm candy, or maybe his charm…I really don’t know. What I know is, it was all too soon and too good to be true. I know I was ready to welcome another relationship minus the whole cheating bit. But all too soon, I found out it was merely one-sided. Still I resisted the urge to go back to my old ways, but a nonchalant boyfriend who didn’t even care to say hi to me while I was para-para-paradise-ing at Boracay proved enough.

Well, screw that. And being a penniless chauffeur to him and his friends. And paying for mostly everything.

Oops, this is turning out to be a bitter post, after all.

Going back to soul searching. Who am I? Well, I’m a lover of books, music, being alone, meeting new friends, hanging out, getting lost, doing reckless things. I’m also a dork, collector of Transformers action figures, self-proclaimed Star Wars fan, and a dreamer. I recoil at the thought of hugging a friend in public. I love my own space. I don’t do the beso-beso thing on a regular basis. I’m a home buddy.

I love dancing. I’ve been dancing even before I learned how to walk. I love the pain and fulfillment I get from dancing. I love getting sprained, walking home cursing myself for going too hard on the mat, cursing myself for not trying hard enough to ace that liberty, and flinching whenever I remember how awfully unsnychronized I was from everyone else during half time.

I love to read and argue. I love hearing new ideas, silently disagreeing with someone and then realizing soon enough that it was a brilliant, new perspective. I love isolating myself from everyone else with only a good book in hand.

I love music. That thump-thump-thumping that mirrors my emotions and the steady flowing of blood in my veins. I don’t judge. A song is good when it’s able to penetrate my hard shell and open up my soul’s eyes. And it’s particularly awesome when it gets me thinking of moves so I can dance with it. When that touch becomes a pull on my soul to create movement.

I don’t regret anything that has happened to me. In fact I embrace it. Without those shitty decisions and dark days, I probably would still be the sheltered girl I used to be. MMKAY, I’m still considerably sheltered, but it’s an improvement from before. I’m more open to anything new. You can even call it gullible. I call it being adventurous and game. And fun.

Right now I just have to re-embrace the things that make me who I am. My brain is a clutter, that’s for sure. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t understand that clutter and be friends with it.