Before I begin my melancholy entry, I’ll be posting about my Manila Music Festival adventures tomorrow. I still can’t believe that I got a media pass for it. Truly grateful.:)
So okay, I am still determined to go to law school. But right now, it feels like I’m totally detached from my goals. Yes, that speaker who’s a Filipino writer (kudos to her for having her novel published) at our School of Humanities Minors graduation was telling the truth. Life after college will definitely be a rough time. All the decision-making, seeing all your batchmates pass, and well, basically all the pressure coming from friends, family, and even employers is too much to bear. I wake up everyday thinking to myself, “what do I really want?” In fact, I feel like this is even harder than peer pressure. Whoever said that parents and relatives should be supportive of their child, niece, or sibling’s endeavors is either blessed or nuts.
Well okay, to give credit to my parents, they were really supportive of my education. I never failed them, though. Unlike ehem some people that I know, I was able to graduate on time, and make milestones on the way too. It may not be as hard hitting as anyone else’s, but it’s worth remembering. I gave my parents bragging rights too.
But what I feel is unfair is that they are pushing me to do things here and there. I should migrate, I should go somewhere else because nothing’s gonna happen to me if I stay here in the Philippines, or the fact that they are still treating me like a baby is too much for me. What’s worse is even my relatives, who think they know me well enough to tell what’s best for me, are also in on the pushing. It’s like they’re telling me that since I’ve graduated already, I can forget about all the values and principles that I learned with my Ateneo education. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do that.
People may frown on my decisions, but I (think) I know what I’m doing. Hey, everyone’s allowed to make mistakes, right? I just don’t like the feeling that my parents, and even my relatives, think that pulling out the red carpet to my future is a better option compared to letting me make mistakes. Heck, I don’t even think I was allowed to make mistakes when I was studying. My parents loved that among the three of us, I was the overachiever, sunog kilay daughter. But they never saw how dependent I was in high school, and how matured I became when I stepped into college. In fact, my mom still gets shocked that I know how to get to places by taking a cab by myself.
And that’s what I learned – that whatever you do, there’s still danger and uncertainty. I may feel queasy with the uncertainty of my dream as a law student, but I’m facing the challenge head on. Every morning when I wake up I wish my parents were liberal enough to allow me to take adventures, go out, and get broke. This is what I keep telling them: that traveling is never a matter of having sacks of money but a matter of having enough courage to go out knowing that it’s dangerous. My mom keeps telling me about the dangers of getting robbed, raped, or whatever. But the fear of that is exactly the reason why I’m so dependent without an ounce of street smart in my nerves.
I have people telling me that I’m so lucky that I’ve graduated. That’s not enough. I have big dreams (cheesy, I know), so I still want to study. I know I’ll be putting back the leash on myself once I study again but that’s why I’m working now. I’ve always liked the feeling of independence. I’ve always liked the feeling of paying for my own bills, working my ass off, and pushing even when I know I don’t have the capability. I’m not a genius, nor am I rich. But I want to do things. And that’s reason enough for me to go for uncertainty.
Yes, reaching my dreams is still uncertain. Yes, I always go back to square one when I’m living with my parents (forced dependence inside the “Laguna prison”). Yes, I’m jealous of all my batchmates who, at this stage, are either employed at some big company or are enrolled for law school. But those are not reasons to sit around and count crows. I may not be ready for uncertainty, but I’m ready to at least push until my efforts bear fruit.