I always seem to dodge relationships. And I don’t know why. Every time I gain a friend that’s worth keeping, I back away. Like I pretend that it never happened. Then I go on looking for another one again. I choose people — and I think that is the monster inside that girl in front of the mirror. I don’t attract much friends because everyone thinks I’m a snob, mataray even. But when a person gets to know me, they see how wrong that first impression is. All is good in friendships until I decide to judge and crumple up the memories, thinking that I will gain friends in the same way I did with everyone else. How wrong I truly am.
I like to lock myself up in my room and let my thoughts make lots of noise. It’s my way of keeping myself grounded and realizing how much of a meanie I have been. Looking at old greeting cards, pictures, and physical memories reminds me of past friendships and other relationships that I threw away. I miss them and the people they are tied with. It almost feels like I lose a part of myself and adapt to someone else’s to move on. Sometimes, it feels like I really don’t know myself anymore.
When I react to situations, I stop and think what I would really say. Sometimes, my own self feels lost amidst all the personalities that I copy when I lose a part of myself. I need to dig. More often than not though, I cannot.
Here I am now, a blank slate, trying to gather what’s left of the real me. To do that, though, I need to regain the relationships which have helped shaped my own true self. I just wish I’m not too late for that.