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I’ve been stuck in catch 22 for too long. I want something so bad but I have to be in a different place to have it. My mind’s going all haywire tonight. I played Tetris on Facebook and found myself losing again and again. I can’t bear it, so I kept playing until I sacrificed time for studying. But that’s not what this post’s about.

I needed to push you away because I was selfish. But I don’t need you to remind me over and over again that I am. I don’t need you to remind me that I’m a ditcher too because now that it’s all over and done with, I keep wanting it back. I can’t even bear saying the things I said to you in my mind because it hurts me too. I didn’t mean any of those. I had to keep my bitch face on so everyone will believe that I don’t need you back. Now I’m drowning in my self-inflicted unhappiness. And I regret every bit of it.

I usually know the boundary between friendship and love but with you, the boundaries seem to be blurred. Blurred with it is my place in everything else. You’re attached to things that make me happy. I can’t be happy if I am not with those things, yet I’m in too much of a mess to welcome back the feelings I have for you. I long for you to tell me that everything’s fine, that all is forgotten. But you never did.

All I seem to say from the very start is “you never did”. I long for that moment when you hold me in your arms and lift my head up and tell me, for all eternity, “I always will”.

Ironic is life. My body keeps moving but my heart is stuck at that moment when I was happy and without a care.

I can write so many for you, so many about you…

But the time has passed and you’ve chosen to move on. I can only hope that your heart is somewhere with mine where time stopped pushing our hearts, to stay in that hilltop forever.